Adrian Plass: Chairs

As the minister freely knows I am more happy than to give my unpaid voluntary services to the church in regard of looking after the hall and that in all its regards. But how am I supposed to do my job if others do not leave the place in the manner to which it is accustomed that they should?

The thing gets me maddist is the chairs. I have been through the chairs with the new curit more times than my Mavis has cooked me hot dinners and he dorns a crinkly smile and says all right but the self same thing happens every time he has one of his getting to know Jesus sessions or whatever they are called which we never used to have.

There are three sorts of chairs and they have to be stacked facing backwards at the back of the hall in two rows and piles of six of the same sort of chair which works out exactly right except for the newest stiff orange ones that hardly anyone wanted which there are two odds, which doesn't matter that they are in a pile of two because there are not four more the same to be fair.

Now, people act all surprised when I tell them the blue bendy chairs are not all the same. They are not all the same. There are two lots of blue bendy chairs and both lots have got a hole in the back. This is where the misconfusion comes out. I keep finding these chairs all piled together come what may with not so much as a by my leave I'm all right Jack as if it didn't matter.

The thing is the holes in the backs of the oldest blue bendy chairs are considerately bigger than the holes in the backs of the ones that we got just after when the minister was first induced and if you stack them with the oldest chairs they do not quite stack as straight as if you stack the oldest ones with the oldest ones or the ones that came just after the minister was induced with other ones that came just after the minister was induced. If you stack the oldest blue bendy chairs with the blue bendy chairs that came just after when the minister was first induced you are asking for trouble in my point of view and I will not hold myself in any responsible way.

When we come to the stiff orange chairs how anyone in their right minds can think they are all right to stack with the oldest blue bendy chairs or the ones that came just after the minister was first induced is below my apprehension. I said to my Mavis last night orange is orange, blue is blue, bendy is bendy and stiff is stiff to my mind and she said hers too. Still I expect I'm wrong. It's all right for the new curit to say people in his getting to know Jesus palavers feel uncomfortable seeing me huvvering crossly at the back like the crack of doom as he cares to put it but he is not the one who has to spend half an hour afterwards putting chairs back in their proper stacks before getting home to see to Mavis needing repairs and my little bits and pieces.

Anyway, the crutch of the matter is I come in on Saturday happy as a sandcastle after my holiday to find four of the blue bendy ones that came just after the minister was first induced under four of the oldest blue bendy ones with one of the stiff orange ones on top. Yes! On top! Things have reached a pretty pass in this institution when you can not go away and trust the chairs will be not be stacked wrong and in eights while your back is turned with one upside down on top.

The new curit informs me that God won’t mind about a few chairs getting mixed up but as I said to my Mavis God is not the one who is going to have his piles inspected by Health and Safety when he is least expecting it.

Anyway I have had my say. Who am I? Just the voluntary, unpaid caretaker.