Adrian Plass

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    Dear J.C.

    By Adrian Plass

    What a nightmare Jesus would have been to your typical modern publicist. All that income lost because he would not build on his strengths.

    Dear J.C. (writes our first century Max Clifford),

    One of my people did lunch with one of your people on Friday. Treasurer for your outfit I gather. Only one of your crew with his head screwed on properly I’d say. He floated the idea of me coming in on the publicity front. I assume you authorised it. 

    Well, I’ve given it some thought, so let’s chuck out a few nuts - see if the squirrels take ‘em. 

    J.C., you’ve got some great stuff. Compassion is in, and I have to say you are numero uno at the deeply sincere thing. Then the healings. A little goldmine. Not quite so many, eh? Always leave ‘em wanting more. Lose the ‘your sins are forgiven’ angle, bit more Spielberg in the presentation, just a little tickle of the market and you and me could enjoy double cream and strawberry jam on our scones every single night. 

    Then those nice little stories you do - could be spiced up a bit, but very nice - we’ve got the trick with the bread, water into wine, the walking on the water illusion, the coin in the fish’s mouth scam - I don’t know how you do ‘em, but it’s brilliant stuff. And, I tell you, J.C., I don’t know who writes for you, but your spiel is top of the range, mate. 

    So, given all that, what boggles me is, why not cash in? Why tell the punters you’ve healed to keep their mouths shut? What is it with you, compadre? Do the humble thing, yeah, but make sure it’s seen. 

    Some leper comes up. You say, ‘Right! I’ll do the business, but nothing’s free in this world, chum. I put you right, you drop a word in the ears of certain people listed on the contract you will now stick your mark on.’ Get my drift? Use the old grey matter. 

    Couple more things, old son. Forget small venues, small people, stop mouthing off at bigwigs who could do you a bit of good, dump those rough old roadies of yours, lose the religious angle - trust me - it never got anyone anywhere, and I can see you cleaning up big. Give us a bell when you’re ready to take things seriously...

    Yours etc.

    “Not by might, nor by power, nor by the services of a publicity agent, but by my Spirit,” says the Lord.

    Some things, thank God, will never change.