Adrian Plass

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    Statistics of Death

    By Adrian Plass

    Here’s a cheery thought. Only one thing in life is absolutely guaranteed. We are all going to die. I think you’ll find the statistics are very clear on this point.

    You are more likely to die travelling by train than by plane
    More likely to die in the winter than in the spring
    More likely to die in a car-crash than from cancer
    More lilkely to die watching Eastenders than The Weakest Link
    More likely to be murdered than to win the lottery
    More likely to die in China than in Spain

    You are more likely to die if you starve than if you eat
    More likely to die at Old Trafford than in an ice-cream parlour
    More likely to die in the morning than in the afternoon
    More likely to die in Luton than in Milton Keynes
    More likely to die in a Polish sentry-box than a Morris 1000 Traveller
    More likely to die of cold than of heat

    You are more likely to die in blue than in green
    More likely to die in bed than in Birmingham
    More likely to die intestate than on a tandem
    More likely to die in company than alone
    More likely to die on a Monday than on a Friday
    More likely to die where you are than where you have been

    You are more likely to die if you are tall than if you are short
    More likely to die of hate than of love
    More likely to die choking on a marble than to spontaneously combust
    More likely to die facing south than facing east 
    More likely to die on land than on sea
    More likely to die from leisure than from sport

    You are more likely to die doing the twist than the jive
    More likely to die at home than in any other place
    More likely to die with friends than with strangers
    More likely to die with an apology than with a blessing
    More likely to die with a question than an answer
    You are most likely to die if you are alive